I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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