Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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