my shit smells like andre
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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