I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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