Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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