So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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