The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
