today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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