I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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