Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
