Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm getting married
To pizza
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So vagazzling was a success
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
