you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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