I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
