at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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