his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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