you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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