I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My vagina is very pro this idea
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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