god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
