Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
