so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
