OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
