You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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