I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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