I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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