Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
