I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
