the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
