and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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