so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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