she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
