I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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