I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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