I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
