Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize