Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
