Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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