Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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