Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
