I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
