i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
