Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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