lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Never underestimate the power of titties
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
