i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
