He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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