That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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