someone threw a dead crab at me
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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