Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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