Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
