Yo dont text me then not text me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
