I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I still have a little drunk in my system
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
