I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
