how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
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Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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