I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
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Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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