Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
