i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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