It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I have aggressive nipples.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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